The Queen of Hadleigh

'I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing'
- Anais Nin

And I ran though the moving crowd, weaving in and out of suits and bags and shoes and limbs. Pushing forward through a rush hour of people, it was warfare; the quicksand making everything more difficult. And I carried on fighting forward until the call came... It was too late. She had gone! And everything suddenly stopped.

The door opened and there she stood; bright red lipstick highlighting her cheeky smile. She would always kiss me on my lips with such delicateness, inside I would smile. And there we would sit for ages surrounded by colourful crochet and ornaments and fabric flowers and the gas fire and small ornamental furry cats and sepia toned pictures hanging proudly on the walls. A room filled with trophies of a life fully lived. Every now and then the sound of a snooker ball crashing into another followed by muffled applause would float out of the TV to catch her attention just long enough for me to stare at this frail, curly haired funny woman who fascinated me.
Reaching the front door she stopped and turned to the cupboard beneath the stairs. I always knew what was coming but managed to appear pleasantly surprised every time. Rummaging around for a moment she span around like a magician to reveal a tiny bag of sweets which she had pre-prepared in little clear plastic bags. There was always a treasure of sweet treats to leave with and I always felt the overwhelming urge to squeeze her so tightly when we hugged. And there she stood, waving and watching until we were finally out of sight.
In life, people come and go. Some stay for only a few minutes and others, a lifetime. And if we are really lucky, these people will leave an indelible mark on our hearts and there they will live eternally making us a better person in the process.

Nana Queenie, I love you and wish you joy on your new adventure.

Wet wings

The first few drops of cool spring rain splash onto the dark pavement below and quickly cover the bustling city. I watch as the drops roll down the glass and leave behind a glistening, hypnotic trail.
Light from shop windows spill out to reflect off the wet pavement and bounce up into the twinkling night sky. Everything shimmers around the giant angel wings in the centre of the square. I love those wings, outstretched and ready to fly.
Rain falls harder now and forces people below to run for cover in doorways and seek refuge from the sudden downpour. I smile as I watch the weaving dance with a feeling of warmth washing over me. I am right where I'm meant to be.
A memory of getting soaked to the skin in Milan splashes into my mind and rolls back out again just as quickly.
There is that magnificent moment when your clothes get sodden and you feel the cool water begin to seep through onto warm skin and you realise that there is no point in running for cover. And so you stand in the moment and become part of the downpour. The surrender brings peace. Nothing else exists in that minute.
The rain begins to ease off and doorways are slowly becoming empty once again.
I should make my way outside now and down towards the tube...but not just yet. I want to watch the angel wings for a little while longer.

Shiny and new

There they were; a thing of beauty and shining like a beacon of hope in my scary, new city. I knew I wanted some as soon as I saw them. I had saved up some money by skilfully reducing that week's menu down to a jar of sandwich spread and salted crackers; Delia would have been impressed (or horrified). I watched as the sales assistant popped them into the blue plastic bag and bade me and my new best friend farewell.
A rush of pure excitement flooded through me as I sat on the end of the bed and began pulling them up over each leg.
That night we danced like never before. No one else existed; it was just us and the music. We were indestructible.
The sun was already coming up by the time I walked out into the dawn. Snaking my way through the veins of the city, I watched as the streets started to slowly wake and rub its eyes.
I had completely forgotten about my silver trousers by the time I arrived home.
It took me a couple of seconds to notice Cathy Dennis standing there with an entourage of charity workers, blocking my way. After greeting me good morning they cheerfully explained that the charity needed one more person to pose for a promotional picture. As I was there (and sporting the brightest legs in Soho) I reluctantly agreed, suddenly feeling slightly overdressed for the occasion. Smiling broadly, I watched as the photographer clicked the camera, marking the end of this wonderfully strange day.
16 years and several make-overs later, I can't help but chuckle. No matter where we go in life or who we meet on our journey, there will always be 'moments' to take our breath away. Some will be amazing, and some, challenging. But they all make us who we are today and if we are really lucky, we get to wear silver trousers along the way.

Spring forward

The air has changed again; days getting longer and evenings, warmer. As I wander along the glistening canal, a swan glides gracefully across the surface and catches my eye. Watching her move through the water, I am lost in time and everything stops still. A memory of me as a boy watching planes thunder down the runway and lift off into the air comes back to me out of absolutely nowhere. I stay there until the sound of a train rattling somewhere in the distance pulls me abruptly out of my reverie. I continue on. The wind picks up and blows through the weeping willow, making the branches sway majestically. A man jogs past me and for a brief moment I can hear his lungs fill with air and quickly empty. I smile as I suddenly become aware of my own breathing and it occurs to me that we are all built the same; we are one. I can't remember the last time I jogged.
The early evening sun continues to beat down onto me and fills me with its last rays of warmth. Soon, the sky will get darker and the air, cooler. In a few short hours I will be turning my clocks forward again before drifting off to sleep. But right now, I'm here, walking along the canal with my bright yellow daffodils lining the path.

59 seconds

59 seconds...
My arms fling around her neck and I pull her in tightly. There we stand in our embrace. The world stops spinning as I feel her chest move in and out with every breath. I can smell her perfume. It throws me right back. With all my might, I pull away and look into her smiling face. Her auburn hair glistens in the sun and is blown ever so gently in the breeze.
47 seconds...
I am finding it hard to form words but I know that I don't have long.
"I have so many questions to ask, I don't know where to begin. Where have you been all this time? I couldn't find you anywhere".
She smiles.
"I didn't go anywhere, my darling. I have been here with you the whole time. Remember the day you stood looking over at the ocean and tears ran down your face? I was there holding you. Just look in the mirror; you have my eyes".
30 seconds...
"Do you have any regrets?"
She thinks about this question for a second.
"Life is too short for regrets, my angel boy. Every choice we make takes us to another place. There is no right or wrong; just life experience. We always get to where we are meant to be eventually anyway. Trust your instincts".
18 seconds...
A breeze picks up and swirls pink blossom around us.
"Why does life sometimes feel so hard? Some days it feels impossible to move through".
Her hands lift up towards my face and as they hold onto me, she looks directly into my eyes.
"There will always be challenges to overcome. That is part of life. Please remember, these are only opportunities to show the world who you really are. We are stronger than our bodies give us credit for. Use these times to shine, my darling boy".
7 seconds...
A wave of anger washes over me as I realise that this is it.
"I miss you so much. I wish you were always here. I have so many questions still to ask".
"I know my angel, I know. Everything we need to know is inside each and every one of us. Never forget how much I love you. I live in your heart. You are never alone".
1 second...
I hug her so tightly; I worry that she might break. The wind picks up...and she is gone.
Just one more minute.


If you could have just one minute more, what would you ask?

Cloudy morning

I close my eyes just as the watery Sunday morning sun finally pushes its way through grey clouds and lands gently on my face. The warmth quickly penetrates my skin and, for a few seconds, I am transported to a desert island somewhere with nothing but the lapping waves around me to keep me company. I am at peace and my mind is still from relentless chatter. Sensing my leave of absence, the clouds pull together and protectively cover the source of light. The air once again turns cooler as the sky closes in.
The squawk of geese flying overhead sends my mind racing once again. In the distance, through a gap in the clouds, bright rays begin to burst through and I wonder who is feeling it on their skin right now. I think about everyone who I have in my life; family, friends, Facebook pals; each and every connection just as important in my life story. A growing cast in the play, all feeling the sun on their faces at different times.
I realise right at this very minute, there are many people scattered across various parts of our planet, somewhere, who I love dearly. Some are probably laughing, some possibly crying but all of them, certainly feeling something.
The air is slowly changing. I can feel it. Soon the clouds will move south to reveal a bright blue, sparkling sky. Until then, I will watch and wait, happy in the knowledge that someone, somewhere is basking in the sun.

Don't forget to comment, share and follow. Thanks!

Back to the future

This afternoon, I time travelled.
It came like a bolt out of the blue. Trees and pavement instantly melted away and before I knew it, I had been grabbed and thrown backwards into 1989. Verse to bridge to chorus; each chord holding me tighter and deeper in the reverie. I watched as I lay on my single bed looking up at my prized Kylie poster. Feeling every single piece of emotion rush back through my veins, I had no choice but to stay in the moment, reliving every second of a first love and giant dreams. Three and a half minutes later, I was back to 2012 with a jolt.
This shuffle button was causing me to leap backwards and forwards erratically without any concern for sequentiality. I had only just got my bearings when it happened again. 2009; I observed myself looking out of the tour bus window towards rolling Italian countryside. Engulfed by my history, I witnessed it all over again passively; the warm evening sunset reflecting off the glass on which I rested my head; it all felt so real. I was back.
Once again, the song faded out as I was picked up and flicked back to the future. And this continued on for the duration of my journey. Some songs made my stomach ache; some brought a big smile to my face.
Music is the soundtrack to our lives and as we move forward, certain songs will act as a personalised time travel machine. If we are lucky enough, these tunes will connect us to a moment in our story and be a reminder of how far we have come on our journey and how far we have yet to go.

Secret identity

Her name is Jane. No, her name is Annabelle. Long blonde hair cascading down over narrow shoulders, she sits opposite me and never once glances up from her romance novel. It is an escape for her. In a few short minutes she will be walking through the open-plan office and through to the kitchenette. Just as the coffee starts to drip into the pot, she will feel a strong arm around her waist, making her jump. She spins around and he kisses her passionately.
Personal trainer Carl gets on just before the doors close and sits down next to me. Placing his gym bag in between his legs he pulls out his phone. Scrolling through text messages, he grins as he stops at one. It is from his girlfriend Claire. No, it is from his boyfriend Brad. They are off to Vegas to get married and the flights have just been confirmed.
Music teacher Betty gets up, straightens her collar and gets ready to leave. She looks tired. I'm not surprised. Her newborn baby kept her up for most of the night.
As I walk towards the doors, Pilot Michael catches me in his periphery and looks up momentarily. Our eyes meet. I can't help but wonder who he sees standing next to him; Tom the photographer? James the lifeguard? Rufus the undercover police officer?
We all have a story, each one perfectly unique and if we are lucky enough, we get to see the real person behind the mask.

Room 209

The key card goes in, the light turns green and I swing open the door.
Falling back onto the bed, the crisp white linen crumples around me as I lie there in the darkness. I have no urgency to illuminate my surroundings, not yet. I remain there frozen in time. For now, this is right where I'm meant to be.
It's funny how, wherever one goes in the world, a hotel room will always be the same, the familiar in an unfamiliar city. Memories of a year living out of them come back to me in an instant. I relive every minute in glorious Technicolor as if watching a montage in a movie, accompanied by instrumental music. Laughter and tears resonate through my mind as they carry me across an ocean.
The sound of a door opening and closing somewhere down the corridor pulls me abruptly from my reverie just as the air conditioning unit clicks on and whirs into action.
My thoughts turn to the other guests above and below who are settling down for the evening in their rooms. What are they doing right this very minute? Watching trashy TV? Saying goodnight to a child on the phone? Brushing their teeth whilst feeling sick about their meeting tomorrow? The endless possibilities contained within the hotel grounds suddenly make the world a bigger place.
I roll over and reach into the darkness. Finding the button, I wake up my phone: 23:42. In a moment I will turn on my bedside lamp and get ready for bed, but not yet. I want to swim in this room for a little while longer.

Tracks

As the train rocks gently from side to side, the monotonous sound of clickety clack hypnotises me. I am caught in a trance. Gazing out across the horizon towards rolling fields and frosty hedgerows, I watch as the world whizzes by effortlessly. I am part of the blur.
Turning my head, I watch as the lovers opposite simultaneously take sips of hot coffee out of cardboard cups. The man to my right flips over his newspaper with a rustle, and laughter rings out a few seats in front of me; snapshots of people’s journey imprinted in my mind forever.
Sleepily, I turn my attention back out of the window just in time to see a couple of Canadian geese land gracefully onto the sparkling lake as we continue snaking onwards.
Life takes us in many different directions. Sometimes the journey is smooth and straight, other times, we are buffeted around in such a way that we can fall out of our seats. Some of the passengers on our train have been there from the very beginning, remaining for the entire journey as part of the furniture. Then there are the people who board for a few stops only. Their brief presence in our carriage infinitely enriches our life and changes us forever.
For a few moments nothing else exists. My eyes begin to close as I drift gently off into a deep sleep, trusting that I will awaken before my stop.

Risky business

I saw it again last night whilst walking through the darkened alley towards home. In between finger-like branches, it shone out in the shadows like a harbinger of doom, taunting me, teasing me. Its message was clear and echoed loudly as I continued on my journey. The sign designed to strike fear into the heart of every man, woman and child, stared silently down.
Averting my gaze, I looked up at the cloud covered moon with thoughts of danger bouncing through my mind as I continued on.
We climb aboard rollercoasters, jump out of planes, swim with the sharks and bungee off bridges. Aware of the hazards, we buckle up regardless and take that leap of faith into the unknown, hoping that we will get to live happily ever after.
With everything in life, anything worth doing carries a risk. Whether it be leaving the house or falling in love, there is always a chance that someone will get hurt. But these are the things which make life sparkle and we are braver than we give ourselves credit for.
Don't let the danger of death stop you from living; some things are worth the risk.

The canyon

I fastened my seat belt tightly, checked it and tugged on it again for good measure. I pulled on my headphones as the propellers began to turn, quickly matching the speed of my thoughts. In a few short seconds, with all the pre-flight checks made, the tarmac gently drifted away from us as we took to the air. I couldn't believe that I was actually doing the one thing which I vowed I would never do.
In that moment I realised that I had no choice but to let go of everything. From way up here, the only thing I had any control over were my thoughts. I decided that I wouldn't miss this for the world; and so I breathed. With every intake of air I felt my body relax and let go. I suddenly began to smile as I looked down over the Hoover Dam, the sun glistening on the water. Circling around, we continued up and out towards the canyon.
After gently touching down onto rocky earth, I stepped out into one of the 7 natural wonders of the world. I looked out across the horizon and couldn't help but wonder about the nature of fear and how it can prevent us from doing certain things in life; Moments which enrich and colour the world around us.
Sometimes in life, we have to embrace our fears and do the one thing which terrifies us the most in order to feel truly alive. And in that moment, I felt more alive than ever.

Broken wings

I always made sure that I got to my spot just in time to watch the sun disappear over the horizon and into the sea. Sitting on cool pebbles, I waited for the spectacle to begin with just the sound of lapping waves and squawking gulls to keep me company.
I knew when it was about to start by the eerie silence that washed over the abandoned pier. I would wait and wait and wait...
Then all at once, they appeared; hundreds of starlings would burst out into the crimson sky and begin to swarm around like bees, weaving in and out of each other as if choreographed by Matthew Bourne himself. Transfixed by their aerial acrobatics, every twist and turn took my breath away. It was a beautiful show, worthy of a standing ovation.
Our own style of flight changes from day to day; Sometimes we glide effortlessly like an eagle, wings spread, riding high on warm currents and a gentle breeze. Other days, like a swallow, we flap manically just to stay aloft through life's challenges and our wings are left a little battered and bruised. These are the moments in which we think we will never fly again...
But we always do. We were designed that way and can fly with broken wings.

B.F.F

"Friendship with oneself is all-important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."
- Eleanor Roosevelt


My best friend and I have always had a tempestuous relationship.
I've known him for years and we have gone through so much together. We've flown across oceans and walked on desert, drank Spritz in Italian piazzas and ate sandwiches in the Grand Canyon. I remember us crying in the dark once at a sad movie and laughing loudly afterwards until it hurt. We have had so much fun.
Some days I really feel his support and his kind words encourage me. Occasionally, when frightened, he will judge me and effortlessly put me down, knowing exactly which buttons to push. Sometimes he tells me that I am not good enough and that I am going to fail, always directly to my face.
In spite of all this though, I know that he will always be right by my side forever and I need to constantly work on the relationship I have with him. He is after all, part of me - my history and my future wrapped into one.
We all have a best friend inside us and it's this relationship which is the most important. We can nurture this friendship in a supportive and loving way so that no matter what, there will always be that confidant with whom we can trust, who will always have our back and tell us that we are good enough and that we can do it!
Be your own BFF. 




Don't forget that my piece for the brilliantly creative PoV magazine comes out tomorrow so make sure to download it for free. It's going to be great.
www.povmagazine.co.uk


So, as it's a new year, I thought it would be fun to add a little something to the mix...Hey, why not I hear you cry. This week I have added a short poll (just to the right of the post) so why not take a look and vote.
 
Please keep your comments coming as it's always great to hear from you. Don’t forget you can share and subscribe too if you fancy - just saying.

Resolutions

The bongs rang out, hairs stood up and the breeze of hope rushed in. The warm embrace of each resolution hung heavy in the air set against a backdrop of spectacular pyrotechnics.
Well, first was the inspiring 'To get fit and tone up', followed closely by the vaguer 'Sort out my career' which was then tailed by the troublesome 'Eat less chocolate'...
I am sure I'm not the only one who makes such internal declarations every New Year. With all the best intentions, the year usually starts off positively and then slowly, one by one, old habits begin to creep in through the cat flap. Before you know it, you are making the same resolutions twelve months later all the while thinking 'This will be the year...'
For 2012 I have a different plan.
My list is shorter and weighs less heavily on my shoulders. It's time to simplify. This year my resolution is this: When presented with a choice, I will ask myself 'What would the most incredible version of me do?' and wait for the answer.
Changes mostly arrive when we aren't looking and sometimes our mini successes come to rest right next to us without fanfare. But they come anyway and bring us one step closer to the person we wish to be.
We are growing every day. Each moment is an exciting new beginning and a perfect opportunity to show the world how amazing we truly are. You are!