There's something about Helen

As she held out her hand, I noticed her perfectly polished nails which shone a deep red in the dimly lit cabaret bar. Her long brown hair glistened as she popped up onto a stool next to me and settled in at the bar. Drink in hand we wished our mutual friend luck as he turned and walked backstage to get ready for the show. There was a shy confidence about her and I liked the way that her eyes would glance momentarily at the floor before answering a question.
We talked about life, love and everything in between. I laughed a lot. She was charming and intelligent.
Stepping onto the last tube train of the evening I followed her to take a seat and watched as the doors closed.
As we set off I began to notice that other people were interested in Helen. Her lightness filled the carriage and the passengers couldn't help but look in her direction. There was a buzz around the carriage that I had never witnessed before.
We chatted until the train slowed to signal my stop. Slinging my bag over my body I said goodbye and how much I had enjoyed her company. I kissed her cheek, gave her a hug and stepped out onto the warm, empty platform.
Watching the bright lights of the train slowly accelerate and vanish into the dark, I suddenly felt sad.
Once out into the cool night air, I wondered at what point she had realised that she was living in the wrong body.
Her personal courage and conviction was stunning and despite now being a woman, her balls were bigger than any I had ever seen.
Fear often stops us from declaring to the world who we truly are and the more honest we are with ourselves and others, the more inspiring and beautiful we become.



Thank you to this courageous woman for living your truth and also to my brave friend Mark who is in the massive process of coming out. May you find your own amazing power.

The fear

I place my fingers through the flowing water and wait until the temperature is just right. Stepping into the bath, the cold hits the soles of my feet as I pull the curtain closed. My body is soaked in seconds and I sigh with contentment as warm water runs down over my face….

Suddenly I am stopped dead in my tracks with shampoo still covering my hair. Where did that bang come from? Instinct tells me to open my eyes and see what made the noise but the soap now running over my face stops me from doing so. I stand there with eyes tightly closed listening to the sound of water splashing into the bath and escaping down the plughole.

At that moment a million images flash through my mind at breakneck speed. I see a man wearing a balaclava, rifling through my underwear drawer and I see a framed photograph being projected across the room by an angry spirit and I see the shower scene in Psycho being played out in glorious Technicolor, previewing what awaits me just beyond the dripping curtain.

Quickly rinsing the soap from my eyes, I turn off the water and jump out onto the bath mat. I fling a towel around my waist (one has to retain some semblance of dignity, even when facing ghoulish monsters) and step off the mat. Courage built up, I stride into the bedroom to find...nothing!  Everything is just as I left it except for the wet footprints which now mark the room.

That’s the funny thing about fear. We can build situations up so much in our minds that they sometimes appear bigger than they actually are. In reality nothing is more terrifying than the fear itself and once we turn to face it head on, we wonder what we were so scared of in the first place.

Just don’t look under the bed….Happy Halloween!

Day out

Watching as he slowly climbs, one foot in front of the other, he reaches the top. Triumphantly, he stands at the peak for a minute to take in the view - the wind blowing through silky brown hair. Lifting his hands to his face, he pushes it aside before beginning the 3 second journey to the bottom of the slide, accompanied by a chorus of laughter from the pair of us. 
Lifting him high into the air I spin him around.
"That was fun! What shall we do now?" he asks excitedly as I take his tiny hand in mine.
"I know a really cool place, you’ll love it" I say with a smile.
Feeling the sand in between our toes, we walk along listening to the waves gently crash against the shore and the greedy seagulls, circle overhead. The sun warming our faces as every few steps, he bends down to pick up another smooth pebble or a shell. One by one he places them delicately into my hand as if they were priceless treasures, to join the rest of them in my now bulging pocket.
There is something so vulnerable about him; I vow to protect him with everything I have. I will never leave him and never let him forget how special he is.
And on we walk until the sun turns a golden red and the sparkling sea moves out to follow it, leaving behind glistening sand.
"Little man", I say as I scoop him up into my arms and give him a big squeeze, "You can be whatever you want to be! Never forget that. You are amazing".
He giggles. I laugh.
With that, we turn off the beach, and slowly make our way home.
"I love you" he says, still looking up at the evening sky, now filling with stars.
"I love you too little man. I always will".

If I could have a single day, that's how I would spend it with my tiny self. It would be beautiful.

Tea for two

"What would you like to drink?"
"Hmmmm, do you have any herbal tea?"
My host's knowing laughter echoed loudly in my ears as the cupboard door swung open with a flourish. I half expected to discover a bikini-clad assistant inside, waiting to vanish in a puff of theatrical smoke. Instead, the most colourful array of teas and coffees never before seen outside a supermarket lay before me.
"I don't even like half of these, but I love to be able to offer my guests anything they like. I want them to be happy", he said pulling a face. I laughed.
Slowly sipping on my newly opened Lemon and Ginger tea, I couldn't help but think about what this meant. Instantly I felt special.
It was such a small thing really but the warmth and thoughtfulness of it made me smile.
I wondered about how many other people had sat at this kitchen table and sipped on a cup of carefully chosen Chamomile, or Darjeeling, or Rosehip & Elderflower...
We all love it when someone does something to make us feel special and unique. That warm glow inside as we are filled with a sense of happiness.
Every day there are opportunities all around in which we can make someone feel just that little bit better - whether it be with a genuine smile, a touch or just holding a door open.
Taking the time to acknowledge a friend or colleague's nice new haircut can make their day and send a ripple out into the world.
Some people say that it is the small things that matter the most, and as I finish the last drop of my tea, I know this to be true.

Seasons of change

It happens once a year, and every time, it creeps up so silently that it takes a while to realise that things have actually changed.

Usually, it comes with a slight drop in temperature, then a subtle adjustment in the quality of light. Mornings grow slightly darker and evening sunsets show up just that little bit earlier.

Walking towards the cocoon of the tube, I look down and there they were... Adorning the pavement with gold, amber and russet, leaves which were once a bright green, now lay crisping at my feet. Where did they come from? I don't remember seeing them yesterday.

Something magical happened overnight.

The season changed and brought with it new opportunities to let go and move forward. For a while it looked as if everything was dying. Trees growing bare and the chill hits the air.

It is a perfect time to reflect on the year and glance at the things which have happened over the passing months. Autumn is a season for stripping everything away and gently releasing old habits to start afresh, safe in the knowledge that every season is just a new beginning. It’s refreshing to take a moment to feel the shift happening all around us and become a part of it.

I take that moment now as I playfully kick the leaves to watch as they displace and settle. A sense of freedom washes over me as I fasten my coat up against the cool evening air and continue my journey home.

The lightness of love

"Love is like a butterfly

As soft and gentle as a sigh

The multicoloured moods of love, are like its satin wings"

-Dolly Parton

The thing that first attracted me to it was the way in which the wings would slowly open and close to reveal bright blue eye-like markings which shimmered in the sunlight. With each gust of breeze, its legs would stiffen to resist being removed involuntarily from the summer-scented lilac upon which it rested. I had never seen anything so incredible in all my 9 years of life.

Steadily holding the jar with my tiny hands, I placed it over my butterfly and snapped the lid closed, trapping the clump of lilac inside.

Once indoors, I decided to let it fly free. There was something extremely surreal about watching it flutter around my bedroom and then come to rest on the blue curtains. I loved the feel of the silky wings in my hands and how the iridescent powder would rub off onto my fingers, making them shimmer a little.

Something was wrong…

I quickly realised that bit by bit, the colour was fading from its delicate wings the more I held it and instead of the usual circling and soaring above my head, it would now flutter clumsily to the floor.

I knew I had to let it go. Placing it gently back into the palm of my hand, I carried it downstairs and out onto the branch from whence it came. I watched it for a while until it was time to go in for dinner and said my goodbye.

Sometimes we try so hard to hold onto everything we love, for fear of losing it, it is exhausting. Love lands where it is meant to and just like a beautiful butterfly, will come to rest gently in your hand when the time is right.

(No butterflies were harmed in the making of this blog!)

Sleeping satellite

Something is coming.

Hurtling across the universe at speeds of 5 miles per second to make its way home after 20 years, it is unstoppable. In a few hours the satellite will slam into the dense atmosphere and spectacularly break into a hundred fiery pieces.

I look up into the night sky and bathe gently in the silver rays. A trillion stars play silently above.

As I tilt my head upwards, an image flutters into my mind (stranger things have happened to me on a new moon but we won’t go there). I wonder about what the Earth would look like from all that way and how tiny we would appear. I picture the footprints left in the moon’s dusty terrain up there on that day in 1969 which remain to this day, untouched. A constant reminder of how a small step for man can be a giant leap for mankind.

Throughout history, people have been making their own indelible marks on the world a little closer to home every single day. Some footprints are celebrated with a fanfare of trombones, bass drums and confetti cannons exploding over a mass of onlookers, whilst others are less conspicuous, but none the less, change the course of history forever.

We are the stars on Earth and have the opportunity to shine just as brightly!

Perfect flaws

I never really paid much attention to geology at school. The hypnotic sound of my teacher talking provided the perfect soundtrack to which my attention slowly drifted up, up and out through the small open window above and into the blue sky.

If I had listened to her, I wouldn't have had to wait for this one fact which now pops up and out through my radio many years later. The presenter is cheerfully discussing gem stones and how they actually get their colour from the impurities within them. The bold blue of a sapphire comes from titanium and iron present. The fiery red ruby is born from the trace amounts of chromium within.

Having a fetish for factual titbits such as this got me thinking… If impurities and flaws all culminate to create something spectacularly beautiful in these stones, does the same apply to us? Could it be that our impurities and mistakes are the things which actually make us even more beautiful.

No-one is perfect and that’s what makes us perfect.

Sometimes it is those experiences which fashion us into more interesting people and without them, we would all be the same with no story to tell.

Embrace everything, every single part of you - the good, the bad and the beautiful. 

10

You have seen me before, I’m certain.

Turn on any news channel or spot me on YouTube. If you look closely enough, I am gently floating down towards the earth. One by one, each of my four white corners lift up and flip me over. Every now and then the reflection of bright red flame illuminates my side, causing me to momentarily glow like a star.

All around me is a deafening sound of glass smashing, steel breaking and sirens screeching.

The last thing I remember was lying on a desk in a non-descript plastic in-tray waiting to be filed later this morning….Then everything was turned upside down.

As I am slowly carried along by the breeze, I can’t help but wonder why.

I am surrounded by heroes and angels.

Fluttering down I realise that just as I can be recycled and change form, so too can love. Love is energy, and energy never dies. It will always remain and fill the Earth, forever alive.

On this, the 10 year anniversary of 9/11, I pray for peace. And to all the heroes and angels, I give you my heart.

I do, part 2

Stepping out of the cool, atmospheric church the sun kissed my face through the trees, momentarily blinding me. Then as my vision cleared, I saw her...

Leaning in the doorway I watched as the last minute adjustments were made by all those around her and was transfixed at the way the gentle gust of wind played and danced around the fluttering train. Hairs on my arms stood up as my eyes ever so slightly misted. There was magic around that morning and for the briefest of moments everything stopped still.

I thought about her prince who waited patiently inside for her arrival and had no idea what was happening just outside the stone walls.

Smiling, I put my hands to my lips, blew her a kiss and turned to take my seat inside. Then a thought hit me. The love and light which was pulled into existence 29 years ago on a crisp, sunny day in February, as her beautiful mum stepped through that same doorway to meet her awaiting prince remained. Love had come around full circle. It stood stoically through snow, rain and blistering heat.

And it waited, and waited for this very day, undiluted by the years which have washed over it.

Every single piece of love we pull from our hearts will always remain, shining brightly for all to see.

To my beautiful friends, I wish you every piece of love and happiness in my heart… Always

x

Sounds of the city

Keys-check, water bottle-check, gym bag-check.
Placing the shiny white headphones into each ear one at a time, I press play and am off.
With Jason Mraz, Kylie and Owl City all giving me a private concert on the move, I am transported into my own world once again. Sometimes, without being able to physically contain myself, my mouth opens and the songs spill out to become a part of the bustling city.
I smile.
There was something familiar about the first few drops of rain that evening which nonchalantly splashed onto my face. My first reaction is always to stand and be still. I love the sound as the water meets the ground with a dull thud. Mid song, I remove the headphones and listen, suddenly becoming acutely aware of everything around me – The all-encompassing hum of cars and vans echo from miles around, a pair of high heeled shoes canter past, a plane flies overhead followed by the whir of helicopter blades slicing through the dark grey sky. The deep roar of a bike rushes past, leaves rustle in the swirling wind and the manhole cover I walk over clunks loudly. One sound at a time I am carried through the city which is playing the most beautifully chaotic piece.
If I could just listen hard enough, maybe I would also hear every single heartbeat around me. I wish I could hear that. 

We are constantly surrounded by the music of life whether it be our favourite band or a crying baby and it is all perfectly orchestrated, played to perfection.

The second guess

Pick a number, any number and I will tell you what you are thinking…

It can come from a missing text or a silent stare, a status update or a shift in body language.  A million questions are sent flying through our synapses faster than the speed of light all to fill in the missing gaps. What does this mean? What are they thinking? Is it anything or everything to do with me? At the slightest whiff of doubt or missing information, we jump into action and set our minds to work. Racing through a million and one possibilities, we finally come to rest at the one which seems the most logical, unaware that we could be facing in totally the wrong direction.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has ever put 2 and 2 together and come up with E=MC2 to the power of wrong. Who knew that being a mind-reader would be so exhausting?!

We are all so complex and perfectly unique that it is near impossible to see the world through anyone else’s eyes but our own.

… You were thinking of a purple penguin. See, told you I was a mind reader! 

Bricks and brooms

Missiles were launched, glass was shattered and blood fell to the earth. Energy was thrown out with such ferocity, everyone watching felt the fallout. The fires burnt a hole in my heart.

I must have watched hours of footage until that 30 second clip flashed up and gravity sent a tear rolling down my face towards my jaw which was now uncomfortably resting on the floor. Being helped up off the cold pavement, I felt a sense of relief and hope for the bloodied boy. Compassion shone through….then as his bag was unzipped and became a free-for-all, the questions began to escape.

Was there really any hope left? Did everything I believe about human beings really exist at all? Where was the love and brotherhood that I so vehemently champion on a daily basis? I was as dazed and confused as the pixelated face on my TV screen. This really can’t be our fate, can it? I went to bed that night with a deep sense of disillusionment and hurt…completely lost.

Enter stage left, hope.

People began piling onto the streets carrying nothing but brooms and compassionate love. Members of the community started pulling together to help others in any way they could to rebuild what was broken. It was time to support and heal, to connect and grow.

Things have calmed down a lot and the dust is slowly settling. Out of all the craziness of the past week, I am left with one thing. Light will always shine through. Love is the strongest weapon on this planet and we are all fully armed. That’s where hope lies.

To every individual who lost something this week, my love reaches out to you. That is what family is for after all.

You are what you eat

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Eat your crusts; they will put hairs on your chest. Want to see in the dark?  Carrots are the way forward every time…

Flamingos are amazing birds. Their entire appearance is a result of everything they eat. Their beautiful pink plumage is a gift from the algae and small crustaceans they feast upon daily. Watching them now together gracefully lowering their long necks to the cool water I can’t help wondering about how, if food can change one’s physical appearance so dramatically, what happens to the emotions we allow in?

We are acutely aware of only putting the ‘good food’ in our bodies and expect our beings to be automatically vibrant. What we think, we become and sometimes people will feed us a dish made from ingredients of their own insecurity and pain. That’s OK. We can pass on that course and skip straight to dessert if we chose. We don’t have to stay at the table until our plates are clean, having consumed every last morsel.

So I say let’s fill up on the most positive thoughts and feelings about ourselves possible and leave absolutely no room for anything else.   

Swings and roundabouts

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 – Coming ready or not...

All my friends had disappeared into the fast approaching sunset, never to be seen again (unless I looked in the bush and up the tree but why spoil their fun so soon). I remember how long those summer evenings were, stretching into forever.

As adults, we sometimes forget what it was like to be a child and instead, wear our bodies with a heaviness that does nothing to free our spirit. Feeling bogged down by our day jobs and expectations, the brightness and lightness of the real us slowly gets hidden under a layer of dusty conformity.

There is something in the way that children can look at this beautiful world we live in and know, without a single doubt, that every moment holds infinite possibilities. I do think that the little ones might just be onto something. Imagine waking up tomorrow and seeing everything currently in our lives as an amazing opportunity to fly. How freeing would that be!

So when the next challenge pops merrily along, stop for a second and try to see it through different eyes and listen to the inner child. They may be young but they are very wise.

Last one to the tree has to buy the sweets…