At the end of the day

The last remaining minutes of the day's light holds on loosely as the planet spins 67,000mph away from the sun's bright rays, plunging us into darkness once again. As I reach over and turn off the bedside lamp in the quiet hotel room, I notice that now, with the absence of light inside, evening looks instantly brighter. The air suddenly drops a few degrees and a chill sweeps through the gap in the slightly open window and onto my face. I momentarily close my eyes.
As I look out over the tree tops and down towards the lake, the air conditioning unit whirs into action and fills the room with a hypnotic hum. Light from the NEC shimmers peacefully on the water and I am suddenly aware of all the different colours around me. The Canada geese that blocked the path this morning, are settling down for the night.
A wave of melancholy washes over me as I remember the last time I was in this city. Three years on, I realise how much I have changed.
There are times in life when we are met with challenges so personally encompassing, we think that we will never be the same again...and we never are. Everything that happens to us and every person we meet takes us into a new chapter of our life. Lesson learnt, we move forward...Sometimes easily, sometimes not so much. But we are all survivors and have an inner strength that we aren't aware of until we have no choice but to summon it forth.
I know that I really should get ready for bed in a minute as I have an early start... But for now I stand transfixed at the window, looking out to witness the end of another day.

Giraffe in a box

It was absolutely the last thing I expected to see! Turning the corner, I stopped dead in my tracks as a smile swept instantly across my face. I couldn't believe my eyes. He wasn't there yesterday. And now, here I stood, watching as he poked his head out of the bright red phone box, reaching up to munch on delicious green leaves which hung temptingly overhead; the perfect antidote to a cloudy evening in the city. The clash of imagery sent my mind off on a sideways journey. As I looked up, I began to think about belonging and of all the times in my life when I felt that I didn't quite fit in. I'm sure that most of us have been in that place more than once; the feeling that niggles deep within and a knowing that you are not where you really want to be. Whether physically, spiritually or mentally, something doesn't quite click; that there must be more to life...
Most of us are lucky enough to live in a corner of the world where we are free to be ourselves and express our light in whichever way we choose. And yet, we still sometimes find ourselves living lives that don't fully inspire or fulfil us.
But that's the thing about life... We can reinvent ourselves at any given moment and the opportunity to change for the better is always present, however, most of the time we have to be willing to step bravely out of our comfort zone and follow our hearts.
Once we do, we may just find that piece of contentment right around the corner.

Sticks and stones

I didn't really see it coming at first. It arrived like a bolt out of the blue. The thing that first registered was the dull thud as the fist slammed into my face. Shockwaves suddenly rushed around my body like a fiery electrical storm. Adrenaline began to pump as I held back the tears. They would not get to see them today, they didn't deserve them. And so I fought them back harder than I had ever done before. Names continued to fly at me and echoed around my mind. Upon seeing our teacher striding across the school playground, the bullies fled and I suddenly found myself standing alone once again; saved by the dinner bell.
Growing up, we are all told about sticks and stones, but the part about names never hurting us has never quite rung true. I, like most people on this planet, know that they can absolutely hurt...deeply.
Sometimes people can say wounding things. Sometimes they sting momentarily and sometimes, the effects can last a lifetime.
But underneath everything, when someone throws something hurtful our way, it is never really about us to begin with. They always reveal much more about the other person and once we realise this, it makes it easier for us to forgive and move on.
So when you think you're not special enough or good looking enough or clever enough or thin enough, I am here to tell you that you are! You are perfectly amazing just the way you are and there is not a single person on this entire planet that is identical to you. No one!

Surrender

Left in front of right in front of left... One at a time, I slowly climb the steps towards the top. Pausing at the first platform, I look out to the narrow white board. The higher I climb, the faster my heart beats...until I reach the peak. Shuffling my way to the edge, my stomach jumps powerfully into my throat as I look down. Everything moves closer and further away simultaneously in true Hitchcock style. Attacking birds would seem like butterflies right now.
And so I stand there, frozen. Electricity coursing through my veins, I nervously smooth the hair out of my eyes, and glancing behind me, I am at least relieved to see that I'm alone up here. Turning back was not an option. I had made it my personal mission, my challenge of spirit to do this dive, and I wouldn't go back.
And so I close my eyes to the world. The smell of chlorine wafts up from the water below and enters my lungs. I could fight this or I could surrender.
Taking a deep breath, I lurch forward as gravity grabs my body and pulls me down with his strong hands. I travel through the air with such velocity that everything blurs away. Powerless.
I slice the water and journey deep into the blue. And I keep on going, further than I have ever been before.
As much as we would like, there are some things we just can't control. Whether it be love, life or everything in between, once we let go and surrender, we open ourselves up to exciting new possibilities.
Sometimes, we don't get what we want. But we always get what we need.

Strike

The ball rolls up the ramp and gently clunks into the one in front. My favourite is still the sparkling blue one which reminds me of a moonlit swimming pool... But that was too heavy. Shame. It totally went with my outfit. Then there was the mauve ball...too light. Eventually I had settled on the matt green one which was just right. I wondered if Goldilocks would have had this much trouble choosing.
I slide my fingers into the holes and take a step forward for the penultimate time. Swinging the ball, it lurches forward as I release my grip and watch as it hits the floor with a dull thud. Suddenly picking up momentum it rolls quickly down the alley in an emerald blur and smashes slightly off-centre. All but two pins remain. And there they stand, taunting me in the distance...
I wait impatiently for my trusty ball to come rolling back as I visualise the pins falling to the ground, followed by rapturous applause and fireworks. 2nd place was within my grasp.
A flutter of excitement grows in my tummy as I send the ball flying towards its final destination. It is veering dangerously to the left but that's ok. It will correct itself in a minute...any minute now...and so I believe right up until the moment it plops into the gutter.
Shrugging my shoulders I turn, laugh and make my way back to my cold beer.
Sometimes in life things don't turn out the way we would like them to. As much as we want it, we don't always get that job, that person doesn't always love us back and our lottery numbers never seem to come up. But that's life. Everything happens for a reason and maybe, something even more amazing is waiting just around the corner.



Just to let you know that issue 3 of the wonderful PoV magazine will be out next month and once again, I am honoured to have a piece featured in it so will let you know when it's out.

A piece of peace

Sunday morning in the city. Even at 6.30am, there is a buzz in the air. As I sneak a peek from behind the blinds, there is something about the morning light that piques my interest. I have been awake for a while now and, resigned to the fact that I'm not getting back to sleep any time soon, I get up and turn on the coffee machine.
There has been so much rain lately; this blue, cloudless sky brings hope of a lovely day. The ghostly moon, still visible, is obscured momentarily by a plane's contrails cutting across its surface and, picking up my favourite mug, I take a sip of hot, freshly brewed coffee.
A dog barks in the distance. I wonder what he has seen to make him so vocal at this time of the morning.
Sitting here on the balcony, I am amazed at how much is going on right now. The constant hum of traffic resonates all around me, framed only by singing birds and honking geese.
Right now, I'm happy; able to breathe for the first time in ages.
A memory of waking up in an Italian hotel somewhere flashes through my mind and vanishes just as quickly, leaving behind the echo of a forgotten feeling.
I watch as a pair of Canada geese sweep gracefully overhead and notice, for the first time this morning that the sun is reflecting off the canal, sending its shimmering light through the trees.
Right now, in my contentedness, I feel connected to everything that is around me and as I finish off the last of my coffee, I make a promise to come to this place again soon.

Breaking eggs

As the flour began to fall lightly through the sieve, I watched as the inside of the bowl turned white. Placing the sieve down, I reached for the first egg and sent it crashing down over the rim. A sudden crack filled the room as the contents splashed out into the dusty flour mound below. Soon the spotless work top became littered with shell shrapnel and I continued on, adding each ingredient until they were all together at last. I liked watching everything slowly come together with each stir of the spoon. It was like alchemy.
Once the final spoonful of mixture was dropped into its little paper case, I knew what was coming. I had no control over it and before I realised what was happening, my finger had made its way into the bowl, worked its way around the side and with a flourish, ended up in my mouth; my sweet reward.
Once they were in the safety of the oven, I had nothing to do but wait. As I surveyed the aftermath, I thought about the times in my life when things seemed so chaotic and messy. In the eye of the storm, it can feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and the knock-back is permanent. It never is however. Soon enough, if we’re lucky, we can come out of the other side, stronger and wiser with a much bigger heart.
In order to make a cake, we have to break a few eggs. Nothing is for nothing and every difficult experience in life holds inside it a beautiful gift. A gift of bringing us one step closer to the amazing person we truly are inside.

Loose strings

As soon as it happened I knew that something was horribly wrong! I had carefully place three fingers one by one on their strings and, finding their home, held them firmly in place to listen as the other hand stroked gently downwards. A discordant noise rang out of my room and floated off into the hallway, making a cat somewhere in the distance run off and hide, quivering under a bush. Surely it can't need tuning again? I only did it a couple of weeks ago and haven't played it since...Hmmm.
There is something quite therapeutic about tuning my guitar. The combination of listening closely to the vibration until it feels right is fascinating. It is always painfully difficult to ignore when a musical instrument needs tuning up, and as I begin to tighten the strings, I can't help but wonder why it isn't as obvious when our lives are just as out of tune. Suddenly our hearing isn't as acute.
Sometimes we forget to look at our lives and attitudes regularly, and without realising it, some of our beliefs can quickly go out of harmony with who we truly are. People around us can have such an effect on us that our strings change and we don't even realise. Every day we shift ever so slightly and we need to give ourselves a regular emotional tune up so we are the most authentic version of ourselves possible. It important to take that moment to listen to your life and pay close attention to the notes being played; what kind of symphony is being created and is it the best melody for you?

A quick thank you from the bottom of my heart for following the blog every week - It means so much and I love you!

The Queen of Hadleigh

'I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing'
- Anais Nin

And I ran though the moving crowd, weaving in and out of suits and bags and shoes and limbs. Pushing forward through a rush hour of people, it was warfare; the quicksand making everything more difficult. And I carried on fighting forward until the call came... It was too late. She had gone! And everything suddenly stopped.

The door opened and there she stood; bright red lipstick highlighting her cheeky smile. She would always kiss me on my lips with such delicateness, inside I would smile. And there we would sit for ages surrounded by colourful crochet and ornaments and fabric flowers and the gas fire and small ornamental furry cats and sepia toned pictures hanging proudly on the walls. A room filled with trophies of a life fully lived. Every now and then the sound of a snooker ball crashing into another followed by muffled applause would float out of the TV to catch her attention just long enough for me to stare at this frail, curly haired funny woman who fascinated me.
Reaching the front door she stopped and turned to the cupboard beneath the stairs. I always knew what was coming but managed to appear pleasantly surprised every time. Rummaging around for a moment she span around like a magician to reveal a tiny bag of sweets which she had pre-prepared in little clear plastic bags. There was always a treasure of sweet treats to leave with and I always felt the overwhelming urge to squeeze her so tightly when we hugged. And there she stood, waving and watching until we were finally out of sight.
In life, people come and go. Some stay for only a few minutes and others, a lifetime. And if we are really lucky, these people will leave an indelible mark on our hearts and there they will live eternally making us a better person in the process.

Nana Queenie, I love you and wish you joy on your new adventure.

Wet wings

The first few drops of cool spring rain splash onto the dark pavement below and quickly cover the bustling city. I watch as the drops roll down the glass and leave behind a glistening, hypnotic trail.
Light from shop windows spill out to reflect off the wet pavement and bounce up into the twinkling night sky. Everything shimmers around the giant angel wings in the centre of the square. I love those wings, outstretched and ready to fly.
Rain falls harder now and forces people below to run for cover in doorways and seek refuge from the sudden downpour. I smile as I watch the weaving dance with a feeling of warmth washing over me. I am right where I'm meant to be.
A memory of getting soaked to the skin in Milan splashes into my mind and rolls back out again just as quickly.
There is that magnificent moment when your clothes get sodden and you feel the cool water begin to seep through onto warm skin and you realise that there is no point in running for cover. And so you stand in the moment and become part of the downpour. The surrender brings peace. Nothing else exists in that minute.
The rain begins to ease off and doorways are slowly becoming empty once again.
I should make my way outside now and down towards the tube...but not just yet. I want to watch the angel wings for a little while longer.

Shiny and new

There they were; a thing of beauty and shining like a beacon of hope in my scary, new city. I knew I wanted some as soon as I saw them. I had saved up some money by skilfully reducing that week's menu down to a jar of sandwich spread and salted crackers; Delia would have been impressed (or horrified). I watched as the sales assistant popped them into the blue plastic bag and bade me and my new best friend farewell.
A rush of pure excitement flooded through me as I sat on the end of the bed and began pulling them up over each leg.
That night we danced like never before. No one else existed; it was just us and the music. We were indestructible.
The sun was already coming up by the time I walked out into the dawn. Snaking my way through the veins of the city, I watched as the streets started to slowly wake and rub its eyes.
I had completely forgotten about my silver trousers by the time I arrived home.
It took me a couple of seconds to notice Cathy Dennis standing there with an entourage of charity workers, blocking my way. After greeting me good morning they cheerfully explained that the charity needed one more person to pose for a promotional picture. As I was there (and sporting the brightest legs in Soho) I reluctantly agreed, suddenly feeling slightly overdressed for the occasion. Smiling broadly, I watched as the photographer clicked the camera, marking the end of this wonderfully strange day.
16 years and several make-overs later, I can't help but chuckle. No matter where we go in life or who we meet on our journey, there will always be 'moments' to take our breath away. Some will be amazing, and some, challenging. But they all make us who we are today and if we are really lucky, we get to wear silver trousers along the way.

Spring forward

The air has changed again; days getting longer and evenings, warmer. As I wander along the glistening canal, a swan glides gracefully across the surface and catches my eye. Watching her move through the water, I am lost in time and everything stops still. A memory of me as a boy watching planes thunder down the runway and lift off into the air comes back to me out of absolutely nowhere. I stay there until the sound of a train rattling somewhere in the distance pulls me abruptly out of my reverie. I continue on. The wind picks up and blows through the weeping willow, making the branches sway majestically. A man jogs past me and for a brief moment I can hear his lungs fill with air and quickly empty. I smile as I suddenly become aware of my own breathing and it occurs to me that we are all built the same; we are one. I can't remember the last time I jogged.
The early evening sun continues to beat down onto me and fills me with its last rays of warmth. Soon, the sky will get darker and the air, cooler. In a few short hours I will be turning my clocks forward again before drifting off to sleep. But right now, I'm here, walking along the canal with my bright yellow daffodils lining the path.

59 seconds

59 seconds...
My arms fling around her neck and I pull her in tightly. There we stand in our embrace. The world stops spinning as I feel her chest move in and out with every breath. I can smell her perfume. It throws me right back. With all my might, I pull away and look into her smiling face. Her auburn hair glistens in the sun and is blown ever so gently in the breeze.
47 seconds...
I am finding it hard to form words but I know that I don't have long.
"I have so many questions to ask, I don't know where to begin. Where have you been all this time? I couldn't find you anywhere".
She smiles.
"I didn't go anywhere, my darling. I have been here with you the whole time. Remember the day you stood looking over at the ocean and tears ran down your face? I was there holding you. Just look in the mirror; you have my eyes".
30 seconds...
"Do you have any regrets?"
She thinks about this question for a second.
"Life is too short for regrets, my angel boy. Every choice we make takes us to another place. There is no right or wrong; just life experience. We always get to where we are meant to be eventually anyway. Trust your instincts".
18 seconds...
A breeze picks up and swirls pink blossom around us.
"Why does life sometimes feel so hard? Some days it feels impossible to move through".
Her hands lift up towards my face and as they hold onto me, she looks directly into my eyes.
"There will always be challenges to overcome. That is part of life. Please remember, these are only opportunities to show the world who you really are. We are stronger than our bodies give us credit for. Use these times to shine, my darling boy".
7 seconds...
A wave of anger washes over me as I realise that this is it.
"I miss you so much. I wish you were always here. I have so many questions still to ask".
"I know my angel, I know. Everything we need to know is inside each and every one of us. Never forget how much I love you. I live in your heart. You are never alone".
1 second...
I hug her so tightly; I worry that she might break. The wind picks up...and she is gone.
Just one more minute.


If you could have just one minute more, what would you ask?

Cloudy morning

I close my eyes just as the watery Sunday morning sun finally pushes its way through grey clouds and lands gently on my face. The warmth quickly penetrates my skin and, for a few seconds, I am transported to a desert island somewhere with nothing but the lapping waves around me to keep me company. I am at peace and my mind is still from relentless chatter. Sensing my leave of absence, the clouds pull together and protectively cover the source of light. The air once again turns cooler as the sky closes in.
The squawk of geese flying overhead sends my mind racing once again. In the distance, through a gap in the clouds, bright rays begin to burst through and I wonder who is feeling it on their skin right now. I think about everyone who I have in my life; family, friends, Facebook pals; each and every connection just as important in my life story. A growing cast in the play, all feeling the sun on their faces at different times.
I realise right at this very minute, there are many people scattered across various parts of our planet, somewhere, who I love dearly. Some are probably laughing, some possibly crying but all of them, certainly feeling something.
The air is slowly changing. I can feel it. Soon the clouds will move south to reveal a bright blue, sparkling sky. Until then, I will watch and wait, happy in the knowledge that someone, somewhere is basking in the sun.

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Back to the future

This afternoon, I time travelled.
It came like a bolt out of the blue. Trees and pavement instantly melted away and before I knew it, I had been grabbed and thrown backwards into 1989. Verse to bridge to chorus; each chord holding me tighter and deeper in the reverie. I watched as I lay on my single bed looking up at my prized Kylie poster. Feeling every single piece of emotion rush back through my veins, I had no choice but to stay in the moment, reliving every second of a first love and giant dreams. Three and a half minutes later, I was back to 2012 with a jolt.
This shuffle button was causing me to leap backwards and forwards erratically without any concern for sequentiality. I had only just got my bearings when it happened again. 2009; I observed myself looking out of the tour bus window towards rolling Italian countryside. Engulfed by my history, I witnessed it all over again passively; the warm evening sunset reflecting off the glass on which I rested my head; it all felt so real. I was back.
Once again, the song faded out as I was picked up and flicked back to the future. And this continued on for the duration of my journey. Some songs made my stomach ache; some brought a big smile to my face.
Music is the soundtrack to our lives and as we move forward, certain songs will act as a personalised time travel machine. If we are lucky enough, these tunes will connect us to a moment in our story and be a reminder of how far we have come on our journey and how far we have yet to go.